i don't think i believe in a deeper meaning. i don't think i believe in a deeper identity, i don't think i believe in a deeper purpose, i don't think i believe in anything really.
there's no deep, poetic answer to why we're here. we're here because the earth shat out molecules that fit together to make animals that fucked to reproduce and so there was light (or the light or the soul or the glowing being we see each of ourselves as).
there's no Point of being here. there's no Inner Purpose. we live, we die. dying isn't meaningful. no event is Meaningful. an Event Happens and time goes on and the next morning you wake up and you're still you. nothing changes. people don't measure their lives like sims.

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anyways, i don't think there's a deeper identity. there's not a You to find. your identity is just whatever shit you know about yourself at the moment. if you don't know a whole lot, maybe you're just not a very interesting person. i don't think i believe in a Deep Down. i don't think we're as complex as we make ourselves out to be. that's awful conceited of us, isn't it? to think that we are more than we actually are.

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that reminds me of that line from paper towns about how treacherous it is to believe someone is more than what they are. that's pretty full of shit though—everyone believes that they themselves are more than what they seem. if you think that of yourself, is it so bad to believe that of someone else? we idealize ourselves all the time. isn't that more dangerous than idealizing others?

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anyways, dying is meaningless. dying just means your chemistry fucked up and you stopped working, in one way or another. we try to give death meaning to cope with it more, since we think we're more than what we are and ending our grand lives has to have some kind of Meaning. it's terrifying to us to think that everything could mean nothing!! our lives have to have some significance!! dying is our grand exit from this grand life we live on this grand world!!

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anyways, this was all very Bojack Horseman. watch the show if you want more Subtly Terrifying Truths.

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anyways, this feels pretty good and solid and peaceful and also comforting to think that if i did commit nothing would really happen. nice. which makes me kind of not want to commit. but if i had the option to have someone else kill me......





(also lmao j i started a private tumblr which i've been posting in more w like short terrifying posts so idk if you care the url is sondcr and the password is also sondcr)